Beyond the Weight

When doctors expressed their concern over my weight, I didn’t understand why it mattered. I figured “Well I am functioning well enough. It could be worse. So it shouldn’t be a problem. Why do these doctors care?”

It was even harder for me to recognize that I needed to gain weight because I didn’t see immediate, extreme health impairments. I figured if I was really ‘underweight’ I would be in some sort of extreme that would outwardly prove me to need the weight gain. But I had never had a major injury yet, I ate full meals and snacks throughout each day, I was seemingly functioning just fine. How could these doctors be telling me I needed to gain weight? What if that was just the weight I was meant to be at? I asked these questions, not understanding the ‘why’ behind the necessary weight gain despite being told my growth was stunted. Despite not having a period. Despite having my digestive issues/extreme bloating growing increasingly worse. Despite being (extremely) cold all the dang time.

In hindsight, weight gain looks like a pretty good option. Maybe it wasn't neccessarily going to fix all of my problems. But for me, weight gain was the healthiest long term thing I could have done. It was difficult at first. Gaining weight is what often gets demonized in our society, and to be going through such a purposeful weight gain at the same time can feel isolating. Even just going through a slight, unintentional weight gain can somehow feel 'wrong' these days but it's not! What we need to do is treat weight gain, weight loss, and maintaining weight equally. Rather, not putting pressures on people to go one way or another, and actually emphasizing everyone to go through with whatever goals work best for each individual. Because everyone’s health journey is not the same.

Change for me didn’t happen until I was willing to look at weight gain for what it is; just weight gain. I had to simplify it and make it less of a ‘big deal’ in my head. When all of the fad diets would get brought up, people would brag about not eating, or unsustainable weight loss would be praised, I began to brush it off more and more each day. I began to compare myself less to others, knowing that my journey is not somebody else’s. No longer being the ‘smallest’ in the room anymore wasn’t an easy conclusion to come to, but it was one I knew I had to accept. I learned to accept it because I knew deep down that it was the right, healthy thing to do for myself.

To anyone else who might be going through a weight gain, or to anyone else who might struggle in their own kind of journey, I want you to feel less alone. Chances are, out of all the humans in the world, nobody is truly alone.

I gained a considerable amount of weight, and to be honest it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I expected it to be. Whether someone loses or gains some number, it is highlighted to be this extreme indicator of 'health'. Whatever number it is, it is just a number. A number that sounds huge to one person, might be just what another person needs. In my own experience of weight gain I've realized the fear of judgement I could get was worthless. At the end of the day, nobody actually cares lol. The fear that I would get 'slower' as a runner was proven to be completely wrong, as I have PRed at my heaviest. No matter what kind of worries I had, in the end the benefits outweighed them.

In this 'journey', I gained the feeling of not being hungry all the time because I was fueling my body in a way that finally gave me the energy I needed. I gained so much more strength than I ever had before. I gained a new perspective on what 'health' truly is--btw it's not based upon what someone looks like. I am not perfect, and my body is playing the catchup game with getting my period for the first time. I also still struggle with digestive issues/alot of bloating, hence part of the reason why it was so hard to gain weight in the first place.

It’s been almost a couple of years of being at a healthy weight for the first time in a very long time and you know what? I’m proud of that. Gaining weight is one step closer to allowing me to get a period so I’ll take it. It got my digestive issues, though not healed, much better. It's allowed my body to begin puberty and no longer be on such a slippery slope of possible health impairments. It's allowed me to live a more balanced, full life than ever before. It allowed me to grow stronger and run faster times and more mileage than I ever have before.

So, all things considered, it wasn't so bad after all. If there is one thing I could let everybody know right now, it's that health is when our bodies our optimally functioning. Today's health culture can make things confusing, but remember that the way in which we function best is so unique to each individual. As a part of my own journey, weight gain has had to be a big part of better functioning in my body. It was hard, but it's what I personally needed and that is okay! Here, I have put together a few things I have learned throughout the process of intentional weight gain. If these reminders can help even just one person, this would all have been worth it. And quite honestly, I still find most of these tips to apply even now in my own life! It truly goes beyond the weight.

1. It is all about balance! Make it fun and eat what you are craving—just eat increased amounts of those things. For me, I luckily love to cook and bake so I make meals that nourish me and make me happy. I never say no to going out for ice cream with friends. Especially at the beginning of gaining weight, I made sure to destigmatize any foods that society teaches us to be ‘bad’ and ate them with confidence instead. If it takes loads of extra scoops of peanut butter to this day to make sure I'm fueling enough, so be it! Everyone will have a completely different method that works best for them, but I personally ate intuitively while also making extra efforts to eat whenever I could, whether I was physically hungry or not. Listening to mental hunger I think is a huge thing to acknowledge for anyone, but especially in all stages of weight gain! Balance is a life-long concept worth having.

2. Clothes are made to fit YOU. You are NOT made to fit clothes. If a ‘one size fits all’ piece of clothing is something that makes you feel poorly about yourself because you cannot continue to fit in that stupid size that is not actually a size (lol yea I’m salty about it), stop buying or ‘trying to fit into’ those clothes! Wear clothes that make you comfortable, whatever that may be. Confidently buy clothes a size up, knowing that you will grow into them if that works as a goal for you. And most importantly, get rid of old clothes that no longer fit! Sell them or donate them knowing that you will make somebody else happy with the items and invest in some new clothes:)Use that as a fun chance to change up your wardrobe because you deserve it!

3. Stay in your own lane. There will likely continue to be controversial health viewpoints and diet culture everywhere no matter what. So control what you can control, and surround yourself with people that make you feel your best. Keep reminding yourself of all the positive reasons that you are gaining the weight. Ultimately, if you are making the conscious decision to gain weight, the most effective way to make it work is by doing it for YOU. Take care of yourself and trust that it is for the better.

4. You are more than your appearance. If you find yourself repeatedly wishing you looked like someone else, make an effort to acknowledge those thoughts, accept them, but don’t let them negatively affect the way you think about yourself. Remind yourself of the things your body can DO. We all were placed on this earth with unique characteristics and different things we are good at, so embrace those natural talents and even try to pick up some new skills! Live your life beyond your appearance and I promise you life will be so much fuller.

For me, it took understanding the 'why' behind the necessary weight gain, and that 'why' became so much clearer once I separated myself more from all the comparison to others that I was doing. I want my period for the first time, and to have a continuous one when it comes. I want to feel strong. I want to have more energy. I want to prevent injuries. It took acknoledging those goals for a healthier body and most importantly a healthier mind to truly stick. That said, I urge you all to take a deeper look into the 'why' behind your individual health goals as well if you want something to last long term. You can do it!!

Nobody's journey is linear. Don't fear doing what's best for you, even if society tries to tell us otherwise!

Weight gain is COOL!!! Being happy and healthy is COOLER!!!